Are you listening?

I recently read a LinkedIn article about this very same topic and its main point was that most people don’t listen to understand but they listen to reply.

And it made me think how many times we fall into this trap with our horses, me included. And yet, can we learn to change that?

My journey into bringing greater awareness to listening started a while back, although not because of horses. I noticed how I was interrupting people when they spoke. I was so intent on making my point, I had little awareness of how my behavior effected and changed the conversation. Luckily, I have great friends who are more than forgiving!

Growing up in a large family with regular gatherings, you simply had to speak up to be heard. You couldn’t wait until there was a pause in the conversation because it never came. By the time someone took a breath, five other people were already filling the nano-second of silence. My family is loud, boisterous and fun. So you learned to speak up. To discuss, to agree to disagree, to keep the conversation flowing. Always having family around can be a blessing and a challenge!

I had developed this habit of simply saying what I needed to when I felt I needed to. Fast forward quite a few years, and the realization hit me that this habit was preventing me from allowing other people to say what THEY needed to say. Becoming aware of the urge to jump in before the other party was finished was a start. It allowed me the opportunity to pause before replying. And boy, was that an eye-opener. My conversations became richer, more nuanced, more authentic. The other person felt heard, less judged, and became more open to sharing the deeper stuff. The things we typically don’t put on the table unless we trust the other person. This awareness of being still and receptive came in really handy when I started working with horses. Learning to listen with greater awareness allowed me to be more receptive and attuned to the often missed subtleties of communication.

We so often miss them – the clues and hints our horses give us. A flick of an ear, the breath being shallow. The hardening of the eye, or even a softening of the muzzle. It all means something. A little or a lot, it has meaning. Especially to our horses. By the time we encounter behavior or performance problems or even lameness, our horses have been compensating and communicating a lot. We may have just missed the subtle signs because we are so busy talking and telling them what to do.

A good example would be when I work on releasing tension in the poll, the horse may be quiet and seem like he is accepting the touch EXCEPT his eyes have gone hard. His breath has stopped. His muzzle became tense. And suddenly he flings his head hard. By being aware of the little things, I can work on softening my approach, retreat to an area that is more acceptable at that moment, or simply reassure the horse that I am only there to help. It establishes trust and I can build on it. Over time the horse will accept my touch in areas he simply didn’t want touched before. It’s like a delicate dance between allowing the horse to say what he needs to and still stay in the conversation when he simply says: Not Happening.

This is especially true when working with animals who have been in pain and discomfort for some time. They have learned and mastered coping mechanisms we can’t even fathom. Tuning out an aching joint, shifting body weight, recruiting tissue and body parts originally not designed for that job. Horses are masters at compensation. And it’s precisely because of this that we must became more aware of what they are saying in their quiet ways.

I remember having a conversation with a dressage rider who kept saying her mare was spooking to get out of work. The very idea of “work” is not something a horse can relate to – it is an abstract concept. Their brains just don’t work that way.

Her horse had a lot of tension in her body. Her behavior was reflecting her discomfort. She was in flight-mode most of the time, overwhelmed by the demands being made on her body and mind. She didn’t spook to get out of work, she was in survival mode, showing behaviors appropriate for her species. I listened to her mare. I allowed her to show me where she needed the work. As we slowly unwound her body from years of stored tension and restriction, as more and more relaxation was, her behavior changed. She became calmer all around. Less reactive, more willing and able to respond to her rider. Her confidence improved.

All because I was willing to listen to what was underneath her behavior.

We all get busy and want to get things done, I certainly do. We have goals and dreams, and sometimes we just want what we want. But horses aren’t bicycles or machines.They have a mind of their own, feel things deeply and remember them even longer. Listening to them can bring us to a closer partnership, a greater understanding and a kinder world for them.

Because our lives are so fast paced, demanding our attention every minute of every day, it would serve all of us well to take a step back and bring some silence back into our lives and our relationships. Maybe turning off the radio on your way to the barn, or spending a couple extra minutes grooming before we saddle up. Really staying present when we are with our horses.

John Kabat-Zinn said something that really hit home for me: When you are in the shower, are you really in the shower? Or are you in the car with the kids hurrying them to school? Or at work finishing the proposal? Or in a meeting?

And when you are with your horse, are you really WITH your horse? Something to think about.

Daniela